I believe that a primary reason society today frowns on discipline is that it is most often applied incorrectly. Many parents fail to discipline intentionally and instead react. As a result, their discipline is haphazard, marked by emotion, and without true purpose. It is no wonder then that the relationship between those parents and their children becomes fractured and hostile. Unfortunately, many Christian parents fall into this same trap. Yet, if parents think intentionally and biblically about discipline, the result is wise children who fear the Lord. How then should we discipline?

The driving force behind biblical discipline is the goal of our children fearing the Lord. We must remember then that the discipline does not take place because they wronged, embarrassed, inconvenienced, or irritated us. When parents discipline for these reasons, they unwittingly reinforce the sin committed. The parent declares to the child that they are being punished because life is about the parent, and the child failed to remember that. In turn, it informs the child that, as they have the opportunity, they should make life about themselves. Instead, the goal of discipline is to remind the child that life is all about God’s glory. As a result, Biblical discipline involves 5 aspects.

First, the parent should never discipline the child in anger. Situations often arise in which the child’s sin impacts the parent and raises an emotional response. However, disciplining out of anger only hardens the child’s heart. Scripture commands parents not to exasperate their children (or, as the KJV states, “provoke them to wrath” Ephesians 6:4). When we do this, we discourage our children and cause them to stray from God (Colossians 3:21). Nothing but damage occurs when parents discipline in anger. Take a moment to bring your emotions under control, and then deal with the sin. Should you discipline in anger, it is vital that you humble yourself and seek your child’s forgiveness. Don’t excuse their sin, but don’t excuse your sin either. Instead, humbly acknowledge that you responded to their sin in a sinful way and ask them to forgive you. You will be amazed at the impact this can have on your relationship with your child.

Second, begin your discipline by pointing to the sin. Be clear with the child why they are being disciplined. You are seeking to drive the foolishness (sin) out of your child (Proverbs 22:15). My habit in disciplining my children was to begin by asking them why they were being disciplined. In this, I would help them name what they did wrong (i.e., took the toy away from the other child). But I would not stop there. My next question would be, “What does God call that?” The only answer is that God calls this sin. You see, with this practice, the parent removes any doubt that punishment is taking place because the parent is angry. Instead, the child is reminded that they have fallen short of God’s glory.

Third, point to the consequences of the sin. By this, I don’t mean the earthly consequences. Certainly, the earthly consequences are important. Relationships are broken, harm is done, trust is lost. However, the spiritual consequences are much greater. God’s wrath is upon that sin. To make the payment for that sin, Jesus died. At this point in the discipline process, I would ask my child, “What happened because you sinned?” The answer to this was that Jesus died. In this, the disobedient practice is elevated to the proper level. It is not an inconvenience or mistake. It is a sin that cost Jesus His life. Suddenly, taking the toy from the sibling is raised to a higher level. At this point, I would explain that the seriousness of their sin is why I needed to punish them. The goal is for them to learn to cease this behavior. Then I would go through with the punishment.

Fourth, as they spill their tears after being punished, you must point to the cross. What was the purpose of Jesus death on the cross? He took the penalty of our sin so that we would not have to suffer it. And he did this so that we might be made the righteousness of God in Him (2 Corinthians 5:21). Through the cross, we can be made new from the inside out. In this, we remind our children that forgiveness is available in Christ. They don’t have to sin anymore; Jesus can change them. This is the glorious message of the Gospel. For parents of children not yet redeemed, every discipline situation is an opportunity for you to lead them to the gospel once again. After your children are redeemed, every discipline situation is an opportunity to remind them of their salvation.

Finally, provide the opportunity for repentance, forgiveness, and restoration. 1 John 1:9 provides the glorious truth that God is faithful and just to forgive our sins when we repent of them. So, we should provide that opportunity to our children as well. I would often ask them what they thought they should do next. Sometimes it involved seeking others’ forgiveness if they had wronged them. It always meant that I gave them a hug, held them close, and told them that I loved them dearly. When discipline is enacted wrongly, it is abuse. But when discipline is enacted intentionally in a Biblical way, it is one of the strongest signs of love to your children.

God did not call you to be your child’s friend. God called you to be your child’s parent. This means that you will faithfully, intentionally, biblically discipline them. You will point them to God and the great message of the gospel in your discipline. And you will demonstrate that you love them because you care enough about their soul to hold them accountable for sin. So dear parent, be faithful in your discipline.