Having hammered the husbands the last few weeks concerning their role in marriage, we turn this week to the wife’s role. When God created the wife, he created her to complete her husband, not to be more of the same. As a result, we see that her role in the marriage complements her husband’s role. When both partners joyfully fulfill their roles, a beautiful marriage results. Sadly, like the husband’s role, culture today has hijacked and demeaned the wife’s role as well.

The first aspect of the wife’s role in marriage is without question the most misunderstood, misrepresented, and rejected in today’s world. We find this first aspect in Ephesians 5:22-24: 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. We also find it in Colossians 3:18: Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. And lastly, we find it in 1 Peter 3:1-6: Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

The reason that this role is so despised is twofold. First, when Adam and Eve sinned, part of the curse is that the wife would rebel against her place in marriage (Genesis 3:16). Second, Satan has led culture to poorly define marriage, and sinful husbands to abuse their wives. As a result, the majority of wives don’t fulfill this role.

When we define the wife’s submission, we should first carefully say what it is NOT. It is not that the wife is a kind of slave. It does not mean that she should not share her opinion or give advice (in fact, over the next few weeks we will observe that sharing her opinion is part of the wife’s role). This does not mean that she is supposed to stay some quiet wallflower. And it certainly does not mean that she is in any way inferior.

Biblical submission means that the wife places herself in order under her husband. The best definition I have found is not original with me (although I am not sure exactly where I came across it). Submission is the freedom of the wife to complete her husband by being a creative help under divinely appointed authority; seeing herself as part of her husband’s team; understanding that someone has to lead and make the final decisions and plans, and God has designated that to be the husband.

What Paul is calling the wife to do is to place herself under her husband’s authority. To put the husband as the head of the house, the ultimate decision-maker. I find it interesting that Paul uses the same word ‘submit’ in Ephesians 5:21, where he tells us that we are all to submit to one another. What Paul is saying, wives, is that you are to recognize your husband’s position as head of the home and support him in it, not undermine him.

Note also that this submission is voluntary. This is not something that the husband forces onto the wife. When a woman is married, she is not signing away her future to be a slave to the whims of a horrible man. Instead, she is joining forces with her husband to create an incredible partnership. To make this partnership work, the wife needs to voluntarily submit to her husband’s leadership. She needs to be both a follower and an adviser.

When should wives submit? Ephesians 5:24 states that they should submit in everything. We cannot minimize what God says here. That would detract from the command to the church. The church submits to Christ in everything, so also the wife submits to the husband in everything. This is completely counter-cultural. Yet when the husband fulfills his role as servant leader, the wife can joyfully follow.

Why would the wife be willing to subject herself to her husband? As she submits to her husband, she also submits to Christ. If the wife does not submit to her husband, she is not, and cannot be, submitted to Christ. By obeying her husband, the Christian wife obeys the Lord, who has sanctioned the marriage contract. There is no excuse for a wife to fail to submit. We cannot buy into the modern lie that to submit is a bad thing. We are all to submit to one another. God the Son submitted to God the Father. And the Church submits to Christ.

There is confusion today about what each spouse is supposed to do in the marriage. Husband laziness has caused many marriages to fail. The feminist movement has caused wives to abandon their role and attempt to take the husband’s role. For marriages to work and honor God as they are called to do, each spouse must ensure that they are fulfilling their role in marriage. My burden is that our church be filled with godly marriages. But I fear that some are struggling. Thus, I am bringing these challenges in the Pastor’s Pen. Last week we began to look at the husband’s role. I, like most men, can be a little dense. So along the way in my ministry, I picked up a handy way to remember the husband’s role. Our three obligations all start with the letter L. First, we examined that a husband must Learn his wife.

Today, we turn to the second obligation. A husband must Love his wife. As I say that, I know that almost all husbands will readily state that they already love their wife. After all, they asked their wives to marry them. But we are not speaking of the same thing as the culture when we speak of love. The world’s love is always object-oriented. A person is loved because of what they bring to the table (physical attractiveness, personality, prestige, or money). In other words, the world loves those whom it deems worthy of love. This is not the love husbands are to have for their wives. This love is a choice.

We find this challenge in Ephesians 5:25-30. 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body.

This love is an entirely different kind of love. It is not simply feelings of attraction. It is to love your wife like Christ. I define love this way: self-sacrificial, others-motivated, Christlike love. It refers to love irrespective of merit, even to the undeserving. Its intent is to seek the highest good in the one loved. Colossians 3:19 informs us that this love is not harsh towards his wife. He does not get exasperated, but is patient and kind.

Further, this kind of love is self-sacrificial. This means that you will sacrifice everything for your wife. You sacrifice for her needs. She needs attention, care, and compassion. So, you spend time listening to her emotions and affirming her. She needs your help. So, you help with the dishes, laundry, cleaning, and cooking. This sacrifice also extends beyond her needs. It also involves sacrificing for her wants. She wants a new dress; you need a new shirt … she gets the new dress, and you give it gladly. You don’t need the toys or the stuff. She gets it all first. This is what biblical love looks like. How do we know this? Because we are to love her as Christ loves us. He gave up his place as an eternal spirit with God to take on human flesh. He suffered and died for you. He gave everything. This is what you give to your wife.

This is also a purifying love. Christ sacrificed to present us without blemish. In the same way, your love should seek to make your wife more like Christ. At the very least, this means that you lead the way in church attendance. But much beyond that, it means that you pray with her, speak about God’s Word with her, and point her to Christ. It means that your role is to protect her in a way that puts her in a place where she is happy, joyful, and content. Your role is, to the best of your ability, to make her flourish spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

Ephesians 5 also makes another incredible statement. You are to love your wife as you love yourself. We all love ourselves. We love to get what we want, do what we want, and go where we want. We fill our lives with things that make us happy. In this way, we are to redirect this kind of love to our wives. Everything becomes about her. No longer is your life about you. It is all about her. So live for her. You no longer live for your dreams and goals, for your ambitions and desires. Your wife’s dreams and goals are now yours. Your wife’s ambitions and desires are now yours. Your lives and futures are one.

You must nourish and cherish her. This means using tender love and physical affection to give her warmth, comfort, protection, and security. Loving your wife means much more than being attracted to her. Loving your wife means that your life is now about her. Far too often I hear husbands refer to their wives in demeaning ways. I hear husbands talk about things that are their wife’s job, not theirs. This is from the pit of Hell. Your role is to treat her like a valued possession.

Here are some ideas about what that looks like:

Hug and kiss your wife (and be happy to do that publicly). Don’t use the excuse that you are not a hugger. Be a man and become one. Show affection to your wife. This also means holding her hand. Gladly proclaim to the world that she is yours by holding her hand as you are together.

Buy her flowers. Not just for your anniversary or Valentine’s Day. Buy them to say, “I was thinking about you; you are beautiful, and these reminded me of you.”

Keep dating her. As we mentioned last week, your pursuit of your wife should never stop.

Tell her that she is beautiful. Don’t just assume she knows you think that. Tell her often. Compliment the way her clothes enhance her beauty. Remind her that she is the most beautiful woman in the world even when she is disheveled and overwhelmed.

Hold the door for her. Every door. The car door, the building doors, the house door. Chivalry should not be dead. You hold it, not because she can’t but because she is so important to you she shouldn’t.

Help her cook, clean, and care for the kids. This is not “the woman’s job.” Only immature boys think that. Your role is to make her flourish. So help her with the tasks. This is true manhood.

When I conduct premarital counseling for engaged couples, the first homework I give them is to write a job description for the husband separately. What is he supposed to be? What is he supposed to do? I ask them for both the high and the low view. I want them to write out the high view (the broad categories) of his role, and the low view (the specific actions that he is expected to accomplish, e.g., mowing the yard). The answers that they come back with are always fascinating. The young man usually comes back with strong masculine ideas (care for the wife, provide for the wife, fix the things around the house, and so on). The young lady usually comes back with more emotional ideas (care for her, be her rock, be a good father, and so on). Inevitably, there are things on the list that the other person did not consider. And there are always things God expects that neither person put down.

For marriage to work, each partner must fulfill their role. When they do not fulfill their role, hurt occurs, the marriage is weakened, and inevitably the marriage fails. Sadly, I am convinced that many Christian couples have no idea what their role in marriage actually is. They do not know what God expects or what their partner expects. As a result, the marriage is rocky, and frustration thrives. Over the next few weeks, we will discuss what the Bible has to say about the husband’s role in marriage, and then we will turn to the wife’s role. To make it easier to understand (because as men we struggle to remember), the husband’s three biblical roles will all be described by a word beginning with the letter L.

The husband’s first role is found in 1 Peter 3:7 – Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. Husband, learn your wife! In other words, husband, get a Ph.D. in your wife. Your marriage is not about you. There are two of you who have become one, and you must get to know the other. Truly know them. Peter informs us that husbands are to live with their wives in an understanding way. As they learn their wives, the goal is to understand her. I know that you are thinking, there is no way a man can understand a woman. But Peter begs to differ.

You need to know how she expresses and receives love. What makes her light up? What can you do that truly expresses that you love her? You need to demonstrate it. And you need to know how she will best receive it. What are her strengths and weaknesses? It is your role to help her find ways to use her strengths and to protect her from areas where her weaknesses will damage her. Learning her weaknesses is not so that you can exploit, mock, or be frustrated by them (for you have many more), but rather to help her flourish in life. What are her joys and satisfactions? What makes her truly happy? What does her perfect day look like? What does she truly enjoy? What brings her life satisfaction? Here is the reality: sometimes, husband, these will be things that do not interest you at all. That does not matter. The fact that they bring her satisfaction and joy makes them your interest.

But leaning her does not just involve understanding her. Once you understand her, you need to support her. Peter continues by saying that you are to show her honor. Warren Wiersbe states, “Chivalry may be dead, but every husband must be a knight in shining armor who treats his wife like a princess.” A Christian husband needs to know his wife’s moods, feelings, needs, fears, and hopes. He needs to listen closely and communicate meaningfully with her.

What might this look like? Here are some practical suggestions I have compiled from several places over the years:

• Be home! One survey revealed that the average husband and wife had 37 minutes a week together in actual communication!
• Talk to your wife, ask her questions, and think about her answers. Sit down with a cup of coffee at the table and spend time talking to her about her day.
• Listen to her. Don’t listen to fix the problem. Listen to understand what she is thinking and feeling.
• Humbly assist your wife in her walk with God. Ask her what God is teaching her through the Word.
• Study your wife. (What makes her glow? What frustrates her?). This means that you are paying attention to her all the time you are around her.
• Date your wife!! Just because you married her does not mean that you stop pursuing her.
• Take a walk or a drive with your wife.
• Pray for and with your wife. Pray with her and for her at appropriate times throughout the day. End your day every night praying with your wife.
• Solve problems together (don’t just solve problems for her). Listen to her suggestions. Listen to her thoughts. Don’t just run to fix it.
• Never stop learning!

Husband, never stop learning your wife. It is a course you never graduate from. Get a Ph.D. in your wife!

One of my favorite scenes in one of my favorite movies is the sham marriage scene in The Princess Bride. In this scene, Prince Humperdinck is attempting to force Buttercup to marry him. Standing before the minister, the minister calls marriage “That dream within a dream.” But many today would argue with that statement. They don’t see marriage as a dream but as unnecessary. And some in marriage see it as a nightmare. But indeed, God meant for marriage to be that dream. It was the first institution created by God for humanity’s great good. Yet, to thrive in our own marriages and to defend marriage today, we must understand its purpose. It is more than simply a piece of paper. It is more than a contract. It is a vow before God to enter into this institution that He created for specific purposes. Thankfully, Scripture is very clear on the purpose of marriage.

When God first instituted marriage, He gave us the first two reasons for marriage. The first reason is found in Genesis 1:28. When God blesses Adam and Eve, He commanded them to be fruitful and multiply. In other words, a primary purpose of marriage is for the creation of and raising of children. Certainly, today, the argument is made that marriage is unnecessary for children. Yet, only the willfully obtuse will argue with the numerous studies that have shown the necessity of the nuclear family (Dad, Mom, Children). Children raised in a fatherless home are exponentially more likely to end up in jail. Dads teach their boys how to be responsible men and how to control their strength for the betterment of others. Dads teach their daughters to expect men to treat them with respect and protection. Children raised without their mothers are exponentially more likely to become hard and indifferent. Mothers teach their children selfless compassion and love.

There is also a trend today to push back on having children. These couples pursue their own career goals over children. This is selfishness at the core and foolishness at the surface. It is foolish because these couples deny the blessings, joys, and lessons that children bring. It is selfishness at the core because it views themselves as the center of life and refuses to give for others (specifically their own children). They deny a core purpose of marriage and sit in opposition to God.

The second purpose of marriage is found in Genesis 2:18 and 23. Marriage was created for perfect companionship. When God created the world, He looked on all that He created and stated that it was very good. However, one thing was not good. Adam was alone and needed a helper who was perfectly suited to him. What is fascinating is that God did not create another “Bro.” Instead, God created the perfect other. One who completed him in every way (physically, emotionally, and spiritually). Only in marriage will you find that perfect companionship. Only when that vow before God is made is that companionship complete.

The final purpose of marriage is not revealed until the New Testament, but it is the most important. In Ephesians 5:22-33, we discover that the primary purpose of marriage is to picture the gospel. Your marriage is to reflect and demonstrate God’s love for us. This will play a vital role in our discussions moving forward as we discuss each partner’s role in marriage.

Marriage is intended to be a permanent institution for good. It is not an optional thing for a couple to take or leave. Nor is it a flexible thing for society to redefine. God created marriage for the distinct purposes of the nuclear family so that children would be raised in stability for the good of all society. God created marriage because we all need that perfect companionship to complete us. And God created marriage ultimately to illustrate His love for us. So, we must value and defend marriage.

To help our children develop godly friendships, it is helpful to understand what a godly friendship looks like. To this end, we will look at the friendship between David and Jonathan. It would be helpful if you could take a moment to read 1 Samuel 23. Saul recognizes the threat that David presents to his rule. So, Saul begins to seek to kill David. Jonathan has a choice. He can preserve his future throne or side with David.

From this friendship, we learn four characteristics of godly friendships. First, a godly friend is the one who seeks to meet the other’s needs, not the one who demands to have their own needs met. Jonathan chose to meet David’s needs rather than preserve his throne. He intentionally sought David while he was in hiding to help him. David could do nothing for Jonathan in return.

Second, a godly friend encourages his friend in God. When Jonathan found David, he strengthened his hand in God. Godly friends direct your attention to God. They speak of God often, present the Bible to you, remind you of all that God does, and confront your sin. Godly friends help you grow in your relationship with God.

Third, godly friends are committed to helping each other realize God’s purpose and potential in their lives. Jonathan was content to submit to God’s plan for Israel, even though this meant that he would not be King. As David’s friend, he was devoted to seeing David become King. In like fashion, David did not see Jonathan as a threat but desired that Jonathan be his second-in-command. Only a friendship that was built on seeking God’s best would want this arrangement.

Fourth, a godly friendship involves a declared loyalty and commitment. Before they departed, they made a covenant with one another. They would remain loyal to one another and would care for one another’s families. Even when others demeaned and degraded their friend, they would remain loyal. As Proverbs tells us, “A friend loves at all times.” A friend does not just love when it is convenient. They are happy to proclaim their friendship.

This is the kind of friendship that we should desire for our children. It begins with us demonstrating that kind of friendship. The church is filled with people who should, can, and do emulate this kind of friendship. Next week, we will discuss how to develop these kinds of relationships.

Over the course of their lives, our children will spend more time with their friends than they will with us. Thus, as parents seeking to raise children who fear the Lord, it is vital that we help them learn how to develop godly friendships. Friendships are built into our makeup as humans. When God created man, he observed in Genesis 2:18 that it was not good for man to be alone. So God created a helper fit for him. In this, God gave to man his closest companion and friend, his spouse. This principle also reveals that human relationships are vital for our well-being. Man needs friends.

Throughout Scripture, we observe the importance of friendship. Moses did not lead the children of Israel alone. Very quickly into his leadership, Moses developed a friendship with Joshua. Together, they led the children of Israel through the wilderness. And when Moses died, Joshua took up the reins. When we think of biblical friendships, we most likely immediately think of David and Jonathan. These two men encouraged each other in their walk with God, in life’s situations, and in their mental health. A significant reason for David’s success was Jonathan’s friendship. We might also think of Daniel, Shadrack, Meshack, and Abednego. On multiple occasions, when faced with the temptation to disobey God, these four men encouraged one another to stand firm in their faith. Godly men are helped by godly friends.

Yet many parents seem to do all they can to either keep their children from making friends or encourage them to be with bad friends. Some isolate their children so that they have no real friendships. The only people they truly interact with are family members. While the parents seem to believe that this isolation is protecting their children, they are setting them up for danger, as they never learn how to develop and maintain godly friendships. Others send their children out into the world and encourage them to befriend wicked children. They then inexplicably seem shocked when these wicked companions corrupt their children. Instead, we should disciple our children by helping them develop godly friends.

As I look back over my life, I am thankful for the situations my parents put me in that helped me develop godly friendships. This began in the church. My best friend from childhood (and remains to this day), Jono Scott, was developed in Cubbies, Sunday school, Sparks, birthday parties, and time at church. Over and over, our parents placed us into positions to interact with one another. Later, I developed lasting friendships through band, sports, and a youth group. When godly young people came across my path, my parents would create opportunities and encourage interaction. They did not isolate me. But they did insulate me. When young people came into our orbit that would corrupt my character, my parents would have frank, honest conversations with me. All this resulted in an ability to discern godly people and develop godly friendships. When I left for college, I developed friendships with individuals who still encourage me today. Through the years, I have gained several good friendships (including my best friend Heather and my non-spouse best friend Adam). All due to my parents’ intentional actions to disciple me in the art of friendship.

We can quickly identify people who are not from Michigan (I raise my hand as one of them). Certain tells give them away. The way they pronounce Ypsilanti, Mackinac, Charlotte, and elementary. They don’t appreciate Vernors as a heal-all beverage. And they certainly don’t understand what cold really means. When you grow up here, you are impacted by the culture around you. Yet, as we raise our children, we must come to understand that there are many shaping influences around them. Biblical parents seek to use these shaping influences to help produce wise children who fear the Lord (Proverbs 13:20).

There are a variety of shaping influences in a child’s life. Some you can control, and others you cannot. Family structure plays an important role in a child’s life. Studies have shown that children who grow up without a father are exponentially more likely to end up in the criminal justice system. How parents treat one another influences how children will treat their own spouse one day. Only children naturally struggle to serve others and to interact selflessly.

Family values also play a role. Children tend to grow up loving what their parents love. It is no mystery why sports fans raise sports fans, hunters raise hunters, mechanics raise mechanics, and musicians raise musicians. In the same way, parents who are passionate about God should impact their children for God. Parents who view church as an appendage to their life should not be surprised when their children do not value God.

Authorities’ response to failure is to inform their children how to respond to failure. When a parent fails and seeks handouts in return, the child will, too. When a parent quits and gives up, so will the child. When a parent acknowledges failure and moves forward, children tend to become hardworking problem solvers as well. Your children are watching your response to hardship.

Culture and friends also shape your children. As I stated before, certain things will happen in your children’s lives because they were raised in the Northern Midwest. Friends will impact your children for good or ill. This is a topic we will cover in detail next week. Right now, I will say, pay close attention to your children’s friends.

As parents consider the shaping influences in their children’s lives, some common mistakes are made. Some view these shaping influences as deterministic. Parents simply believe that the influences cannot be avoided and make excuses for them. Your child may have a learning disability, but that is not an excuse for a lack of self-discipline or laziness. You and your child may come from a hard background. That is not an excuse to repeat sin. We cannot afford to ingrain into our children a victim mentality. Instead, we should see these challenges as obstacles to overcome, not excuses to be made.

Some parents ignore the shaping influences in their children. They simply go with the flow and pay little to no attention to the things impacting their children. They don’t discipline when their children are toddlers and are shocked when they turn into little demons. They give unfettered access to technology and are shocked when their children are influenced by perversion. Biblical parents intentionally interact with the shaping influences in their children’s lives.

Other parents, out of fear, isolate their children from all outside influences. The only outings are to family members. The only friends are cousins. Many Christian parents adopt this idea that if they can protect and shelter their kids well enough, if they can always be positive with them, if they can provide the best possible childhood experience, then their child will turn out ok. Proper environment equals proper child. This is simply a spiritual twist on a bad philosophy. Inevitably, these children end up either incapable of interacting with others or jump into the deep end of culture and ruin their lives. Insulate your children from sin, but don’t isolate them from the world (John 17:15).

Children are never passive receivers of shaping influences. They are active responders. So it is vital that we, as parents, seek to help them respond biblically to the shaping influences in their lives. See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ. (Colossians 2:8)

I believe that a primary reason society today frowns on discipline is that it is most often applied incorrectly. Many parents fail to discipline intentionally and instead react. As a result, their discipline is haphazard, marked by emotion, and without true purpose. It is no wonder then that the relationship between those parents and their children becomes fractured and hostile. Unfortunately, many Christian parents fall into this same trap. Yet, if parents think intentionally and biblically about discipline, the result is wise children who fear the Lord. How then should we discipline?

The driving force behind biblical discipline is the goal of our children fearing the Lord. We must remember then that the discipline does not take place because they wronged, embarrassed, inconvenienced, or irritated us. When parents discipline for these reasons, they unwittingly reinforce the sin committed. The parent declares to the child that they are being punished because life is about the parent, and the child failed to remember that. In turn, it informs the child that, as they have the opportunity, they should make life about themselves. Instead, the goal of discipline is to remind the child that life is all about God’s glory. As a result, Biblical discipline involves 5 aspects.

First, the parent should never discipline the child in anger. Situations often arise in which the child’s sin impacts the parent and raises an emotional response. However, disciplining out of anger only hardens the child’s heart. Scripture commands parents not to exasperate their children (or, as the KJV states, “provoke them to wrath” Ephesians 6:4). When we do this, we discourage our children and cause them to stray from God (Colossians 3:21). Nothing but damage occurs when parents discipline in anger. Take a moment to bring your emotions under control, and then deal with the sin. Should you discipline in anger, it is vital that you humble yourself and seek your child’s forgiveness. Don’t excuse their sin, but don’t excuse your sin either. Instead, humbly acknowledge that you responded to their sin in a sinful way and ask them to forgive you. You will be amazed at the impact this can have on your relationship with your child.

Second, begin your discipline by pointing to the sin. Be clear with the child why they are being disciplined. You are seeking to drive the foolishness (sin) out of your child (Proverbs 22:15). My habit in disciplining my children was to begin by asking them why they were being disciplined. In this, I would help them name what they did wrong (i.e., took the toy away from the other child). But I would not stop there. My next question would be, “What does God call that?” The only answer is that God calls this sin. You see, with this practice, the parent removes any doubt that punishment is taking place because the parent is angry. Instead, the child is reminded that they have fallen short of God’s glory.

Third, point to the consequences of the sin. By this, I don’t mean the earthly consequences. Certainly, the earthly consequences are important. Relationships are broken, harm is done, trust is lost. However, the spiritual consequences are much greater. God’s wrath is upon that sin. To make the payment for that sin, Jesus died. At this point in the discipline process, I would ask my child, “What happened because you sinned?” The answer to this was that Jesus died. In this, the disobedient practice is elevated to the proper level. It is not an inconvenience or mistake. It is a sin that cost Jesus His life. Suddenly, taking the toy from the sibling is raised to a higher level. At this point, I would explain that the seriousness of their sin is why I needed to punish them. The goal is for them to learn to cease this behavior. Then I would go through with the punishment.

Fourth, as they spill their tears after being punished, you must point to the cross. What was the purpose of Jesus death on the cross? He took the penalty of our sin so that we would not have to suffer it. And he did this so that we might be made the righteousness of God in Him (2 Corinthians 5:21). Through the cross, we can be made new from the inside out. In this, we remind our children that forgiveness is available in Christ. They don’t have to sin anymore; Jesus can change them. This is the glorious message of the Gospel. For parents of children not yet redeemed, every discipline situation is an opportunity for you to lead them to the gospel once again. After your children are redeemed, every discipline situation is an opportunity to remind them of their salvation.

Finally, provide the opportunity for repentance, forgiveness, and restoration. 1 John 1:9 provides the glorious truth that God is faithful and just to forgive our sins when we repent of them. So, we should provide that opportunity to our children as well. I would often ask them what they thought they should do next. Sometimes it involved seeking others’ forgiveness if they had wronged them. It always meant that I gave them a hug, held them close, and told them that I loved them dearly. When discipline is enacted wrongly, it is abuse. But when discipline is enacted intentionally in a Biblical way, it is one of the strongest signs of love to your children.

God did not call you to be your child’s friend. God called you to be your child’s parent. This means that you will faithfully, intentionally, biblically discipline them. You will point them to God and the great message of the gospel in your discipline. And you will demonstrate that you love them because you care enough about their soul to hold them accountable for sin. So dear parent, be faithful in your discipline.