The very foundation of every successful relationship is good communication. Every sound business, team, friendship, and human relationship must be built around quality communication. How much more important is it, then, that marriage relationships work on good communication? Deep oneness can happen only when both spouses communicate effectively. Whenever you find marital failure, there is always a breakdown in communication. When marriages succeed, an important element is their ability to communicate.

Unfortunately, many struggle with sound communication. Miscommunication and misunderstanding happen regularly. Thankfully, God has much to say about communication in His Word because He is a God of communication. So much so that Jesus is called “The Word” in John 1. To help our marriages, it is important to have the discussion about discussion.

When we look at Scripture, we learn several important principles for good communication. First, good communication requires mutual openness and honesty. If we are to truly know one another, we must be willing to open up ourselves and reveal ourselves to one another. We cannot have a close relationship when we keep things from one another. This includes being honest about what is wrong in the relationship. We must be willing to have hard discussions.

Second, we must have self-control. A short fuse is not a joke; it is a sin. When we cannot engage in open conversation without anger, we cannot experience true meaningful relationships. Instead, everyone in our life will be walking on eggshells around us. The Bible says much about the destructive power of speech. In James 1, James compares our speech to the power of a spark. Great forest fires often begin with a small spark. In the same way, great arguments and hurt often begin with hurtful words. We must be controlled in our communication to refrain from anger.

We must also be controlled enough not to retreat and shut down. Some do not respond in anger; instead, they respond in silence. They avoid the conflict and the hard conversation at all costs. Unfortunately, all this does is kick the can down the road. In the end, the conflicts build until they become a mountain of unresolved conflict that feels impossible to overcome. We need the self-control to engage in hard conversations.

One of the most important aspects of good communication is also one that almost everyone struggles with. This is the aspect of good listening. Communication is a two-way street. It not only involves expressing ourselves rightly, but it also equally importantly involves listening well. How often have you met a new person, asked them their name, and then were thinking too much about what you were going to say next? As a result, you still don’t know their name. Far too often in conversations, we aren’t listening; we’re thinking about what we want to say instead.

Good listening involves several important skills. Good listening means letting the other person say what they want to say without interruption. Conversations should not be competitions. Be willing to be quiet and let the other person speak. While they speak, we must also give the other person our undivided attention. No person truly multi-tasks. When we look at our phones, watch TV, or work on other things while we converse, we are not truly listening. In marriage, it is vital that husband and wife have regular times to simply sit and talk. Guard against the temptation to tune out the other person because you believe that you already know what they are going to say. Finally, good listening means ensuring that you truly understand what the other person is trying to say. Rephrasing what they say back to them is a good way of ensuring this. Also important is asking clarifying questions. Learn to listen well.

Here are a handful of other practical suggestions for good communication. Avoid the use of emotionally charged words (“You always …” “You never …” “If you loved me …” “I don’t care …”). These are never helpful. Be responsible for your own emotions. They did not make you react the way you did. You did it. Deal with one problem at a time and deal in the present, not the past. Be willing to have hard conversations and hear hard things. As you hear those hard things, be willing to own your responsibility in it.

In a marriage, good communication can be essential for survival. It is not optional; it is necessary. When good communication is lacking, the marriage will naturally suffer. When good communication is prevalent, the marriage can be strong. In your marriage, take time each day to sit down with your spouse and simply talk. Talk about the day, the schedule, the tasks, the dreams, the problems, and the blessings. If you make this a habit, your marriage can be strong.

In 2019, The Atlantic published an article by Mandy Catron entitled “The Case Against Marriage.” In the article, the author demonstrates the absolute misunderstanding surrounding the purpose of marriage. She quotes the Supreme Court’s Obergefell decision in which Justice Kennedy claims that marriage is simply about connection and belonging. She argues that marriage is simply a social construct designed to tie people together. Finally, she argues that marriage isolates people. Therefore, marriage is an obsolete institution which should be done away with. Interestingly, these are the same arguments made for same sex marriage.

Unfortunately, Christians have the same low view of marriage. A 2022 Pew Research Center study found that 58% of Christians believe cohabitation is okay. Marriage is not necessary. This low view stems from the poor marriages many Christians are in and have observed. Yet, I believe that all of this stems from the wrong view of the purpose of marriage. Marriage is not just an expression of love or a matter of convenience. This is why we are working through this study.

Last week, we spent time carefully examining the first aspect of the wife’s role in marriage: submission. Today, we turn to the other aspect of the wife’s role that also reveals one of the primary purposes for marriage. We find this purpose in Genesis 2. When God created everything, Genesis 1 reveals that he looked at His creation at the end of each day and declared it good. At the full completion, he looked on it all and declared it very good. However, Genesis 2:18 reveals that as Adam worked the Garden, God looked at Adam in his solitude and declared that it was not good.

The “not good” declaration of God was not an acknowledgment of a mistake. Rather, this was an intentional act by God so that man would understand that, even in his perfect state, he was incomplete alone. So God made a “helper suitable for him.” Note that this suitable helper was not another “bro.” The suitable helper was the only one who could actually complete him in every way (physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually): his wife.

When the wife leaves her role and seeks to have the same role as her husband, the marriage breaks down. When women seek to leave their roles and supplant men in those roles, they leave behind all that makes them unique, special, and vitally important. God created the wife (and women) in such a way that they can accomplish things men cannot. So, in marriage, the wife is created to complete the husband perfectly, forming a glorious team.

The wife completes the husband physically. She is the only one who can be physically involved with him in guiltless joy. She completes him emotionally. Men are by nature rational problem solvers. God made women with complex emotions to complete the husband’s lack of emotion. She completes him intellectually. She is the one who knows him and his situation best and can speak into his life with wisdom like no other. She completes him spiritually. A wife will either encourage her husband toward Christ or drive him away from Christ. She also completes the husband domestically. When you walk into a bachelor’s pad, it is readily evident that no woman lives there. Wives bring color to the home. They bring vibrancy by turning a place into a beautiful oasis.

Ephesians 5:33 reveals that this helping/completing is to be done with respect. As no husband should ever demean his wife, so also the wife should never demean her husband. Don’t ridicule or complain about him to your friends. Don’t demean him in your speech or attitudes toward him. Nothing will build a husband up, motivate him more, and brighten his day more than a wife who compliments him. If you want to motivate him, treat him with loving respect. Men are simple creatures. Compliments and love are our fuel.

What does this look like? Make the home a safe place. Your husband is laboring to provide, so make the home an oasis of peace for him. Don’t meet him at the door with all of your problems. Make it a place of encouragement, comfort, understanding, and refuge. Maintain a good attitude with him. Don’t be a nagging hag. Be satisfied. When you constantly complain about what you don’t have, he will shut down. On the other hand, when you are thankful, he will work all the harder for you. Keep yourself beautiful, especially in your spirit. God made guys not that great-looking and women beautiful. Maintain that. Take care of yourself to the best of your ability. However, nothing destroys beauty or creates beauty like your spirit. When you glow with Christlikeness, it enhances and projects beauty.

Wives, you provide something no other person can bring to the marriage. You are not a second-class person, nor are you the man. Glory in your femininity. Use it to bring your marriage to completion. Be the respectful completer that God created you to be. When the husband fulfills his role and the wife fulfills hers, a glorious team is formed that loudly proclaims the gospel.

Having hammered the husbands the last few weeks concerning their role in marriage, we turn this week to the wife’s role. When God created the wife, he created her to complete her husband, not to be more of the same. As a result, we see that her role in the marriage complements her husband’s role. When both partners joyfully fulfill their roles, a beautiful marriage results. Sadly, like the husband’s role, culture today has hijacked and demeaned the wife’s role as well.

The first aspect of the wife’s role in marriage is without question the most misunderstood, misrepresented, and rejected in today’s world. We find this first aspect in Ephesians 5:22-24: 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. We also find it in Colossians 3:18: Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. And lastly, we find it in 1 Peter 3:1-6: Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

The reason that this role is so despised is twofold. First, when Adam and Eve sinned, part of the curse is that the wife would rebel against her place in marriage (Genesis 3:16). Second, Satan has led culture to poorly define marriage, and sinful husbands to abuse their wives. As a result, the majority of wives don’t fulfill this role.

When we define the wife’s submission, we should first carefully say what it is NOT. It is not that the wife is a kind of slave. It does not mean that she should not share her opinion or give advice (in fact, over the next few weeks we will observe that sharing her opinion is part of the wife’s role). This does not mean that she is supposed to stay some quiet wallflower. And it certainly does not mean that she is in any way inferior.

Biblical submission means that the wife places herself in order under her husband. The best definition I have found is not original with me (although I am not sure exactly where I came across it). Submission is the freedom of the wife to complete her husband by being a creative help under divinely appointed authority; seeing herself as part of her husband’s team; understanding that someone has to lead and make the final decisions and plans, and God has designated that to be the husband.

What Paul is calling the wife to do is to place herself under her husband’s authority. To put the husband as the head of the house, the ultimate decision-maker. I find it interesting that Paul uses the same word ‘submit’ in Ephesians 5:21, where he tells us that we are all to submit to one another. What Paul is saying, wives, is that you are to recognize your husband’s position as head of the home and support him in it, not undermine him.

Note also that this submission is voluntary. This is not something that the husband forces onto the wife. When a woman is married, she is not signing away her future to be a slave to the whims of a horrible man. Instead, she is joining forces with her husband to create an incredible partnership. To make this partnership work, the wife needs to voluntarily submit to her husband’s leadership. She needs to be both a follower and an adviser.

When should wives submit? Ephesians 5:24 states that they should submit in everything. We cannot minimize what God says here. That would detract from the command to the church. The church submits to Christ in everything, so also the wife submits to the husband in everything. This is completely counter-cultural. Yet when the husband fulfills his role as servant leader, the wife can joyfully follow.

Why would the wife be willing to subject herself to her husband? As she submits to her husband, she also submits to Christ. If the wife does not submit to her husband, she is not, and cannot be, submitted to Christ. By obeying her husband, the Christian wife obeys the Lord, who has sanctioned the marriage contract. There is no excuse for a wife to fail to submit. We cannot buy into the modern lie that to submit is a bad thing. We are all to submit to one another. God the Son submitted to God the Father. And the Church submits to Christ.

There is confusion today about what each spouse is supposed to do in the marriage. Husband laziness has caused many marriages to fail. The feminist movement has caused wives to abandon their role and attempt to take the husband’s role. For marriages to work and honor God as they are called to do, each spouse must ensure that they are fulfilling their role in marriage. My burden is that our church be filled with godly marriages. But I fear that some are struggling. Thus, I am bringing these challenges in the Pastor’s Pen. Last week we began to look at the husband’s role. I, like most men, can be a little dense. So along the way in my ministry, I picked up a handy way to remember the husband’s role. Our three obligations all start with the letter L. First, we examined that a husband must Learn his wife.

Today, we turn to the second obligation. A husband must Love his wife. As I say that, I know that almost all husbands will readily state that they already love their wife. After all, they asked their wives to marry them. But we are not speaking of the same thing as the culture when we speak of love. The world’s love is always object-oriented. A person is loved because of what they bring to the table (physical attractiveness, personality, prestige, or money). In other words, the world loves those whom it deems worthy of love. This is not the love husbands are to have for their wives. This love is a choice.

We find this challenge in Ephesians 5:25-30. 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body.

This love is an entirely different kind of love. It is not simply feelings of attraction. It is to love your wife like Christ. I define love this way: self-sacrificial, others-motivated, Christlike love. It refers to love irrespective of merit, even to the undeserving. Its intent is to seek the highest good in the one loved. Colossians 3:19 informs us that this love is not harsh towards his wife. He does not get exasperated, but is patient and kind.

Further, this kind of love is self-sacrificial. This means that you will sacrifice everything for your wife. You sacrifice for her needs. She needs attention, care, and compassion. So, you spend time listening to her emotions and affirming her. She needs your help. So, you help with the dishes, laundry, cleaning, and cooking. This sacrifice also extends beyond her needs. It also involves sacrificing for her wants. She wants a new dress; you need a new shirt … she gets the new dress, and you give it gladly. You don’t need the toys or the stuff. She gets it all first. This is what biblical love looks like. How do we know this? Because we are to love her as Christ loves us. He gave up his place as an eternal spirit with God to take on human flesh. He suffered and died for you. He gave everything. This is what you give to your wife.

This is also a purifying love. Christ sacrificed to present us without blemish. In the same way, your love should seek to make your wife more like Christ. At the very least, this means that you lead the way in church attendance. But much beyond that, it means that you pray with her, speak about God’s Word with her, and point her to Christ. It means that your role is to protect her in a way that puts her in a place where she is happy, joyful, and content. Your role is, to the best of your ability, to make her flourish spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

Ephesians 5 also makes another incredible statement. You are to love your wife as you love yourself. We all love ourselves. We love to get what we want, do what we want, and go where we want. We fill our lives with things that make us happy. In this way, we are to redirect this kind of love to our wives. Everything becomes about her. No longer is your life about you. It is all about her. So live for her. You no longer live for your dreams and goals, for your ambitions and desires. Your wife’s dreams and goals are now yours. Your wife’s ambitions and desires are now yours. Your lives and futures are one.

You must nourish and cherish her. This means using tender love and physical affection to give her warmth, comfort, protection, and security. Loving your wife means much more than being attracted to her. Loving your wife means that your life is now about her. Far too often I hear husbands refer to their wives in demeaning ways. I hear husbands talk about things that are their wife’s job, not theirs. This is from the pit of Hell. Your role is to treat her like a valued possession.

Here are some ideas about what that looks like:

Hug and kiss your wife (and be happy to do that publicly). Don’t use the excuse that you are not a hugger. Be a man and become one. Show affection to your wife. This also means holding her hand. Gladly proclaim to the world that she is yours by holding her hand as you are together.

Buy her flowers. Not just for your anniversary or Valentine’s Day. Buy them to say, “I was thinking about you; you are beautiful, and these reminded me of you.”

Keep dating her. As we mentioned last week, your pursuit of your wife should never stop.

Tell her that she is beautiful. Don’t just assume she knows you think that. Tell her often. Compliment the way her clothes enhance her beauty. Remind her that she is the most beautiful woman in the world even when she is disheveled and overwhelmed.

Hold the door for her. Every door. The car door, the building doors, the house door. Chivalry should not be dead. You hold it, not because she can’t but because she is so important to you she shouldn’t.

Help her cook, clean, and care for the kids. This is not “the woman’s job.” Only immature boys think that. Your role is to make her flourish. So help her with the tasks. This is true manhood.

When I conduct premarital counseling for engaged couples, the first homework I give them is to write a job description for the husband separately. What is he supposed to be? What is he supposed to do? I ask them for both the high and the low view. I want them to write out the high view (the broad categories) of his role, and the low view (the specific actions that he is expected to accomplish, e.g., mowing the yard). The answers that they come back with are always fascinating. The young man usually comes back with strong masculine ideas (care for the wife, provide for the wife, fix the things around the house, and so on). The young lady usually comes back with more emotional ideas (care for her, be her rock, be a good father, and so on). Inevitably, there are things on the list that the other person did not consider. And there are always things God expects that neither person put down.

For marriage to work, each partner must fulfill their role. When they do not fulfill their role, hurt occurs, the marriage is weakened, and inevitably the marriage fails. Sadly, I am convinced that many Christian couples have no idea what their role in marriage actually is. They do not know what God expects or what their partner expects. As a result, the marriage is rocky, and frustration thrives. Over the next few weeks, we will discuss what the Bible has to say about the husband’s role in marriage, and then we will turn to the wife’s role. To make it easier to understand (because as men we struggle to remember), the husband’s three biblical roles will all be described by a word beginning with the letter L.

The husband’s first role is found in 1 Peter 3:7 – Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. Husband, learn your wife! In other words, husband, get a Ph.D. in your wife. Your marriage is not about you. There are two of you who have become one, and you must get to know the other. Truly know them. Peter informs us that husbands are to live with their wives in an understanding way. As they learn their wives, the goal is to understand her. I know that you are thinking, there is no way a man can understand a woman. But Peter begs to differ.

You need to know how she expresses and receives love. What makes her light up? What can you do that truly expresses that you love her? You need to demonstrate it. And you need to know how she will best receive it. What are her strengths and weaknesses? It is your role to help her find ways to use her strengths and to protect her from areas where her weaknesses will damage her. Learning her weaknesses is not so that you can exploit, mock, or be frustrated by them (for you have many more), but rather to help her flourish in life. What are her joys and satisfactions? What makes her truly happy? What does her perfect day look like? What does she truly enjoy? What brings her life satisfaction? Here is the reality: sometimes, husband, these will be things that do not interest you at all. That does not matter. The fact that they bring her satisfaction and joy makes them your interest.

But leaning her does not just involve understanding her. Once you understand her, you need to support her. Peter continues by saying that you are to show her honor. Warren Wiersbe states, “Chivalry may be dead, but every husband must be a knight in shining armor who treats his wife like a princess.” A Christian husband needs to know his wife’s moods, feelings, needs, fears, and hopes. He needs to listen closely and communicate meaningfully with her.

What might this look like? Here are some practical suggestions I have compiled from several places over the years:

• Be home! One survey revealed that the average husband and wife had 37 minutes a week together in actual communication!
• Talk to your wife, ask her questions, and think about her answers. Sit down with a cup of coffee at the table and spend time talking to her about her day.
• Listen to her. Don’t listen to fix the problem. Listen to understand what she is thinking and feeling.
• Humbly assist your wife in her walk with God. Ask her what God is teaching her through the Word.
• Study your wife. (What makes her glow? What frustrates her?). This means that you are paying attention to her all the time you are around her.
• Date your wife!! Just because you married her does not mean that you stop pursuing her.
• Take a walk or a drive with your wife.
• Pray for and with your wife. Pray with her and for her at appropriate times throughout the day. End your day every night praying with your wife.
• Solve problems together (don’t just solve problems for her). Listen to her suggestions. Listen to her thoughts. Don’t just run to fix it.
• Never stop learning!

Husband, never stop learning your wife. It is a course you never graduate from. Get a Ph.D. in your wife!

One of my favorite scenes in one of my favorite movies is the sham marriage scene in The Princess Bride. In this scene, Prince Humperdinck is attempting to force Buttercup to marry him. Standing before the minister, the minister calls marriage “That dream within a dream.” But many today would argue with that statement. They don’t see marriage as a dream but as unnecessary. And some in marriage see it as a nightmare. But indeed, God meant for marriage to be that dream. It was the first institution created by God for humanity’s great good. Yet, to thrive in our own marriages and to defend marriage today, we must understand its purpose. It is more than simply a piece of paper. It is more than a contract. It is a vow before God to enter into this institution that He created for specific purposes. Thankfully, Scripture is very clear on the purpose of marriage.

When God first instituted marriage, He gave us the first two reasons for marriage. The first reason is found in Genesis 1:28. When God blesses Adam and Eve, He commanded them to be fruitful and multiply. In other words, a primary purpose of marriage is for the creation of and raising of children. Certainly, today, the argument is made that marriage is unnecessary for children. Yet, only the willfully obtuse will argue with the numerous studies that have shown the necessity of the nuclear family (Dad, Mom, Children). Children raised in a fatherless home are exponentially more likely to end up in jail. Dads teach their boys how to be responsible men and how to control their strength for the betterment of others. Dads teach their daughters to expect men to treat them with respect and protection. Children raised without their mothers are exponentially more likely to become hard and indifferent. Mothers teach their children selfless compassion and love.

There is also a trend today to push back on having children. These couples pursue their own career goals over children. This is selfishness at the core and foolishness at the surface. It is foolish because these couples deny the blessings, joys, and lessons that children bring. It is selfishness at the core because it views themselves as the center of life and refuses to give for others (specifically their own children). They deny a core purpose of marriage and sit in opposition to God.

The second purpose of marriage is found in Genesis 2:18 and 23. Marriage was created for perfect companionship. When God created the world, He looked on all that He created and stated that it was very good. However, one thing was not good. Adam was alone and needed a helper who was perfectly suited to him. What is fascinating is that God did not create another “Bro.” Instead, God created the perfect other. One who completed him in every way (physically, emotionally, and spiritually). Only in marriage will you find that perfect companionship. Only when that vow before God is made is that companionship complete.

The final purpose of marriage is not revealed until the New Testament, but it is the most important. In Ephesians 5:22-33, we discover that the primary purpose of marriage is to picture the gospel. Your marriage is to reflect and demonstrate God’s love for us. This will play a vital role in our discussions moving forward as we discuss each partner’s role in marriage.

Marriage is intended to be a permanent institution for good. It is not an optional thing for a couple to take or leave. Nor is it a flexible thing for society to redefine. God created marriage for the distinct purposes of the nuclear family so that children would be raised in stability for the good of all society. God created marriage because we all need that perfect companionship to complete us. And God created marriage ultimately to illustrate His love for us. So, we must value and defend marriage.

To help our children develop godly friendships, it is helpful to understand what a godly friendship looks like. To this end, we will look at the friendship between David and Jonathan. It would be helpful if you could take a moment to read 1 Samuel 23. Saul recognizes the threat that David presents to his rule. So, Saul begins to seek to kill David. Jonathan has a choice. He can preserve his future throne or side with David.

From this friendship, we learn four characteristics of godly friendships. First, a godly friend is the one who seeks to meet the other’s needs, not the one who demands to have their own needs met. Jonathan chose to meet David’s needs rather than preserve his throne. He intentionally sought David while he was in hiding to help him. David could do nothing for Jonathan in return.

Second, a godly friend encourages his friend in God. When Jonathan found David, he strengthened his hand in God. Godly friends direct your attention to God. They speak of God often, present the Bible to you, remind you of all that God does, and confront your sin. Godly friends help you grow in your relationship with God.

Third, godly friends are committed to helping each other realize God’s purpose and potential in their lives. Jonathan was content to submit to God’s plan for Israel, even though this meant that he would not be King. As David’s friend, he was devoted to seeing David become King. In like fashion, David did not see Jonathan as a threat but desired that Jonathan be his second-in-command. Only a friendship that was built on seeking God’s best would want this arrangement.

Fourth, a godly friendship involves a declared loyalty and commitment. Before they departed, they made a covenant with one another. They would remain loyal to one another and would care for one another’s families. Even when others demeaned and degraded their friend, they would remain loyal. As Proverbs tells us, “A friend loves at all times.” A friend does not just love when it is convenient. They are happy to proclaim their friendship.

This is the kind of friendship that we should desire for our children. It begins with us demonstrating that kind of friendship. The church is filled with people who should, can, and do emulate this kind of friendship. Next week, we will discuss how to develop these kinds of relationships.